Stepping beyond judgement and into self acceptance

Have you ever noticed what happens in your body when you judge something as wrong? ‘That shouldn’t be happening?’ Or ‘That is a terrible thing?’

For many of us there is a feeling of constriction that comes over us when we decide ‘that person is doing something wrong?’ The judgement happens and then comes the emotion. Maybe it’s anger, frustration, annoyance, despair. And so you see judgement creates unrest within us, and we’re choosing that? Why would we be choosing unrest? Because if the finger is pointing outside of us then often that will bring us some temporary relief from what’s most uncomfortable! Our judgement of ourselves!

We all have judgements of ourselves that affect our self belief.  I am not this or I am that. Beliefs about what we are good at, what we are bad at, judgements of our body, things we have done too much of or not enough of and it’s all great fuel for the inner critic.

We all have that inner critic that pops in from time to time to keep us small, to keep us in check, to keep us knowing our place. The trouble is that inner critic can feed for weeks on a good shame spiral!

A shame spiral? What’s that?

First I need to explain that shame has a purpose. It’s one of the most uncomfortable emotions for a reason! To help us adjust our behaviour. So with healthy shame we feel it, recognise that we must have acted out of alignment with our values, recognise an action we can take to re-align with our values, take the action that is possible in the present moment or plan the action and allow the shame to dissipate because we’ve learnt our lesson. This process goes hand in hand with acceptable our part in a situation also known as accountability.

And then there’s toxic shame. This is the shame that lingers, the shame that fuels the inner critic and fuels a mental spiral of self judgement and criticism. You know the thoughts like ‘I always f#ck up’ or ‘I never get things right’ or ‘WTF is wrong with me’ that you might spin off into following making a mistake. 

With a bit of luck something will interrupt the spiral, perhaps we’ll choose some good company who reflect the goodness in us back to us. If that spiral takes hold it can leave stuck us in a rutt with that nasty critic and struggling to see beyond our wrongness. And if we’re so wrong then there’s no point in trying to be better and we might then justify and repeat a behaviour that is not aligned with our values and thus the spiral is perpetuated. 

For some that feeling of shame is so uncomfortable that they dissociate from it entirely. To protect themselves from feeling it they might project the shame onto someone else ‘it’s their fault because’ or avoid it using distractions like over working, continuous media, drugs, alcohol, pornography, casual sex. We see these avoidance and distraction methods normalised in movies and 

So where did that nasty little critic come from? Who let them in? 

Well ‘I blame the parents’ ;)

Yep, it all starts in childhood. A parent who never corrects their child is not fulfilling their role in guiding their child but there are ways to correct a child without filling a child with unhealthy levels of shame. A conscious parent approaches a child with unconditional positive regard, assuming they mean well and are just struggling in some way.

Unfortunately not many parents got the memo on this one and many will have occasionally or continuously leant into using shame to curb unwanted behaviour. Once you start to become shame aware you’ll hear it in so many interactions. (shame in relationships and parenting are two whole other conversations!)

So parents sow the seeds, teachers too, friends and partners and future interactions water the seeds and before you know it you’re navigating a dark forest of viney wrongness that you find you need all manner of defence mechanisms to navigate!

Until that is, that you get some help to start following those vines back to their roots. Navigating back to where those seeds were sown holding the awareness that you were only a small child and that criticism you received did not take away from the fact that even in that moment of having made a mistake or being out of control, you were still worthy of love and you are still to this day in fact worthy of love.. Even in your imperfect moments, you are still lovable. At your core, you are love. And this is where the healing is at, in loving the parts of yourself that you don’t like. Loving the parts of yourself that you were told are unacceptable. In bringing compassion to places that have not yet seen compassion.

So what would happen if you chose one thing, just one thing that you’ve been judging yourself for and decided to love and accept yourself even though xyz judgement? With a strong will and awareness you could definitely create some change but honestly, you need to somehow get the message into the subconscious for it to stick! You can consciously know something but deep down not fully believe it.

And that’s where Creative Analytical Hypnotherapy and Psychotherapy comes in. Lets move beyond the conscious mind having to work hard to repeatedly catch the judgement to move into self compassion. That’s hard work and exhausting. Continuously needing to keep check of your thoughts requires a lot of energy and more judgement. Perhaps rather than needing to catch yourself and move back into compassion seeding that self compassion back where the judgement was seeded in the first place will grow more self compassion where shame once was! Let’s go back to the root…. To the time you made a simple mistake and got scolded or shamed for it when you had actually been trying really hard or perhaps had learning challenges that meant it was completely reasonable that you made that ‘mistake’. Let’s go back to the time your Dad snapped at you because he’d had a bad day and you internalised that ‘you’re always in the way’ and meet that little one with the compassion of an emotionally regulated gentle and kind father. Let’s take that good parenting back and seed that in the subconscious so a new belief of ‘It’s safe for me to take up space’ becomes your foundation. What could shift and change in your life with that as a foundation? What bigger things might you then be able to choose for yourself when you operate from a place of self acceptance rather than self judgement?

Not all Hypnotherapy is equal. This work happens in creative analytical hypnotherapy and brings lasting resolution of mental and emotional unrest. This style of Hypnotherapy goes deep. It’s not a plaster over the top of a dirty wound, it’s the gentle tending to the wound, carefully teasing out the tiny stones and gently wiping away the dirt, bringing in some healing balm so the wound can heal fully. This way of working supports the amygdala in accepting that the trauma is in the past, you are no longer in danger. This way of working reduces the strength and frequency of nervous system triggers. 

We have all been children, we have all had moments in our childhood where our needs were not met. Some experiences are more severe than others but no matter who you are, learning to meet yourself and those around you with gentle compassion when facing struggles rather than harsh criticism is a life skill that supports you living the fullness of the life that you truly deserve.

About the Author

Rachel Peacock holds a Diploma in Creative Analytical Hypnotherapy and Psychotherapy which she has been practicing since 2023

The foundations of Rachel’s practice are in 20 years of personal healing and development which besides personal learnings include practicing and teaching Reiki since 2006, 2 years of training in Crystal healing with 18 years of working with crystals for healing and numerous related CPD training courses. Rachel also practices Reiki drum and facilitates sharing circles.

 All of this experience influences and supports Rachel’s practice as a therapist. She has developed a strong intuition for where the healing is most needed which brings a depth to her practice that is missing from those only dealing with the mind. Rachel works in a trauma informed, somatically and spiritually influenced way to bring lasting relief. Whether you are doing ok but know you could be more or are completely broken right now Rachel will meet you where you are and guide you gently in turning towards healing that which holds you back from a fulfilling experience of life.